Post by Victoria on Dec 21, 2014 22:11:09 GMT -8
What happened? That was a loaded question she wasn’t entirely sure she knew how to answer. She had tried her best to keep everything from surfacing that now she didn’t even know where to begin to explain it all to him. For a long moment she just sank into his hold on her, somehow he was holding her together. Aria felt like everything around her was crumbling, with so many questions left unanswered she wasn’t sure she knew which way was up anymore. She knew too that unleashing all of this on Elion wasn’t going to solve any of her problems, but she couldn’t keep it to herself anymore. She felt like she was on the verge of some kind of meltdown, and just being close with Elion like this somehow made it all easier to deal with, it made it easier for her to accept the myriad of negative possibilities before her. She didn’t want to think about what would happen if she died, but the longer she was here the more she needed to think about it because the greater the possibility became. She needed to face reality, while she had been healing here on the farm so much could have been happening to her body in Springmount.
“Everything,” she finally whispered in response to his question because that was the only way to describe the extent of it. “When I left here the last time I called my parents, I set up a time to get to the bear and the orb, everything was going perfectly. We had a direction for the investigation here, Jack and I had made a break through with our case. It seemed all too good to be true. It was. Of course it was. Because nothing good can ever happen to me. Nothing in my life can just be easy for once. Next thing I remember, my phone was going off like crazy. It was Jack. His daughter Kyra hadn’t come home. I love those girls and Kyra fit the killer’s M.O. so of course we both thought the worst. It took several hours, but we found her.” She paused for a long moment, “When we were in Muula you pointed out that there was something personal about my case that was driving me,” she started, “I brushed you off because I was annoyed it was being taken over, but you were right. My cousin, Stephanie, was the first victim. My aunt had asked me to watch out for her, I was supposed to… I failed. So when Kyra disappeared, I panicked. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I should have paid closer attention. At first it just looked open and shut, she was safe, that was all that mattered. We didn’t think anything of it.”
They should have. They should have given it more thought. But hind sight was twenty-twenty. The more she relived those moments, the more she could pin point every little mistake they made. Every little step that sent them catapulting towards that final moment. Every misstep they took ended up the catalyst for where she was now. They should have questioned Gina more, she should have pressed Jack harder to let her question Kyra about what had happened. Even if she could have just gotten Adam’s last name, they could have run it through the system and maybe they would have had a heads up that they were going to end up face to face with their killer. They could have planned an attack, they could have gotten the FBI involved. There were a million of things they could have done differently that wouldn’t have ended with a bullet in her stomach and a possible death sentence looming over her. But she couldn’t change how any of it happened. The truth of the matter was she was in this mess with no foreseeable way out of it. However, not for the first time, she was grateful that she wasn’t alone. Elion may not be in the mess with her, but just having him there was a comfort she felt she could never fully express to him. Knowing she had fallen silent again, without having really explained anything, she pulled in a shaky breath and tried to find the courage to start again.
“Colin and I went to dinner at my parents, so that I could get the bear that night. Which because I was asking for old toys my mother immediately jumped to the conclusion that I was pregnant. No matter what I said, I couldn’t get her off that. I get it, she wants to be a grandmother, but I can’t be a mother, not right now. Colin overheard me telling my mother that I wasn’t going to have kids, that I wasn’t going to get married. Which led to a fight on the way home.” She paused for a moment, knowing she had to tell him the truth. “You didn’t cross a boundary last night,” she confessed, thinking back on the kiss they had shared. “In order for that to be true, Colin and I would still have to be together. I ended things with him that night. It wasn’t fair to either one of us, I couldn’t give him what he wanted and…” She sighed, she couldn’t go there just yet, she needed to explain the rest of it and she still wasn’t at the worst of it. “Driving home, we saw Jack’s car. I made Colin pull over, not thinking I jumped out. Jack was ecstatic, he had found our killer. But he was barricaded in the house, and there are a million things we should have done differently. He should have called me, told me what was going on. As his partner I deserved that much. The kid opened fire and the last thing I remember was the pain in my side. I had been shot. Which where I’m from, it can be fatal. I blacked out and suddenly I was here and the whole stabbing thing happened…” she shook her head, fighting back a sob, “I don’t know if I’m still alive in my world. I don’t know what will happen if I die. The best I can figure is that I’m in a coma there, and the longer I’m out the more damage I could be looking at. It can cause all sorts of problems. So if I wake up what kind of life could I really have? And what about Jack and my parents…” The problem was she didn’t have the answers, and she knew Elion wouldn’t either, but for once, it felt good to talk about these things with someone. To trust someone enough that she wasn’t afraid of him running away from all of this.
“The one thing I know for sure is that I don’t know anything anymore. I thought I knew what I wanted out of my life. I thought I understood who I was and what I stood for. Like I always thought I wasn’t cut out to be a mother, that I never wanted kids – that I never liked kids, but then I met Jack’s daughters. I always thought that nothing would ever be more important than my job, more important than solving that case, and then I came back here and it took me back to the roots of why I do what I do every day.” Leaning against him, she was grateful for how patient he was, that he was just letting her ramble on. She needed to get all of this out into the open with someone. But she was scared to confess the rest to him. She took a deep breath before finding the words, “And I thought I loved Colin, but I hadn’t even touched what it could be because I was afraid to really let him in. Which made me realize how scared I’ve been that I would never feel what it was like to really care for someone as more than just a good friend, that devotion and dedication to someone, that gut wrenching fear when something happens to them. That consuming worry where you can’t think about anything else and you just keep playing the what ifs over and over in your head until you feel like you’re going insane, how if one thing had been different…” she paused, unable to say the last five words, but she had to say them, he had to hear them. “But then I met you.” She shook her head, “And it scares me that I’m going to die, or that I’m going to wake up and all of this is just going to be gone. It scares me that the longer I’m here, the more I don’t want to go home.”
“Everything,” she finally whispered in response to his question because that was the only way to describe the extent of it. “When I left here the last time I called my parents, I set up a time to get to the bear and the orb, everything was going perfectly. We had a direction for the investigation here, Jack and I had made a break through with our case. It seemed all too good to be true. It was. Of course it was. Because nothing good can ever happen to me. Nothing in my life can just be easy for once. Next thing I remember, my phone was going off like crazy. It was Jack. His daughter Kyra hadn’t come home. I love those girls and Kyra fit the killer’s M.O. so of course we both thought the worst. It took several hours, but we found her.” She paused for a long moment, “When we were in Muula you pointed out that there was something personal about my case that was driving me,” she started, “I brushed you off because I was annoyed it was being taken over, but you were right. My cousin, Stephanie, was the first victim. My aunt had asked me to watch out for her, I was supposed to… I failed. So when Kyra disappeared, I panicked. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I should have paid closer attention. At first it just looked open and shut, she was safe, that was all that mattered. We didn’t think anything of it.”
They should have. They should have given it more thought. But hind sight was twenty-twenty. The more she relived those moments, the more she could pin point every little mistake they made. Every little step that sent them catapulting towards that final moment. Every misstep they took ended up the catalyst for where she was now. They should have questioned Gina more, she should have pressed Jack harder to let her question Kyra about what had happened. Even if she could have just gotten Adam’s last name, they could have run it through the system and maybe they would have had a heads up that they were going to end up face to face with their killer. They could have planned an attack, they could have gotten the FBI involved. There were a million of things they could have done differently that wouldn’t have ended with a bullet in her stomach and a possible death sentence looming over her. But she couldn’t change how any of it happened. The truth of the matter was she was in this mess with no foreseeable way out of it. However, not for the first time, she was grateful that she wasn’t alone. Elion may not be in the mess with her, but just having him there was a comfort she felt she could never fully express to him. Knowing she had fallen silent again, without having really explained anything, she pulled in a shaky breath and tried to find the courage to start again.
“Colin and I went to dinner at my parents, so that I could get the bear that night. Which because I was asking for old toys my mother immediately jumped to the conclusion that I was pregnant. No matter what I said, I couldn’t get her off that. I get it, she wants to be a grandmother, but I can’t be a mother, not right now. Colin overheard me telling my mother that I wasn’t going to have kids, that I wasn’t going to get married. Which led to a fight on the way home.” She paused for a moment, knowing she had to tell him the truth. “You didn’t cross a boundary last night,” she confessed, thinking back on the kiss they had shared. “In order for that to be true, Colin and I would still have to be together. I ended things with him that night. It wasn’t fair to either one of us, I couldn’t give him what he wanted and…” She sighed, she couldn’t go there just yet, she needed to explain the rest of it and she still wasn’t at the worst of it. “Driving home, we saw Jack’s car. I made Colin pull over, not thinking I jumped out. Jack was ecstatic, he had found our killer. But he was barricaded in the house, and there are a million things we should have done differently. He should have called me, told me what was going on. As his partner I deserved that much. The kid opened fire and the last thing I remember was the pain in my side. I had been shot. Which where I’m from, it can be fatal. I blacked out and suddenly I was here and the whole stabbing thing happened…” she shook her head, fighting back a sob, “I don’t know if I’m still alive in my world. I don’t know what will happen if I die. The best I can figure is that I’m in a coma there, and the longer I’m out the more damage I could be looking at. It can cause all sorts of problems. So if I wake up what kind of life could I really have? And what about Jack and my parents…” The problem was she didn’t have the answers, and she knew Elion wouldn’t either, but for once, it felt good to talk about these things with someone. To trust someone enough that she wasn’t afraid of him running away from all of this.
“The one thing I know for sure is that I don’t know anything anymore. I thought I knew what I wanted out of my life. I thought I understood who I was and what I stood for. Like I always thought I wasn’t cut out to be a mother, that I never wanted kids – that I never liked kids, but then I met Jack’s daughters. I always thought that nothing would ever be more important than my job, more important than solving that case, and then I came back here and it took me back to the roots of why I do what I do every day.” Leaning against him, she was grateful for how patient he was, that he was just letting her ramble on. She needed to get all of this out into the open with someone. But she was scared to confess the rest to him. She took a deep breath before finding the words, “And I thought I loved Colin, but I hadn’t even touched what it could be because I was afraid to really let him in. Which made me realize how scared I’ve been that I would never feel what it was like to really care for someone as more than just a good friend, that devotion and dedication to someone, that gut wrenching fear when something happens to them. That consuming worry where you can’t think about anything else and you just keep playing the what ifs over and over in your head until you feel like you’re going insane, how if one thing had been different…” she paused, unable to say the last five words, but she had to say them, he had to hear them. “But then I met you.” She shook her head, “And it scares me that I’m going to die, or that I’m going to wake up and all of this is just going to be gone. It scares me that the longer I’m here, the more I don’t want to go home.”