The Great Gatsby Feedback?

[gloria]

Hello Wanderers!

I would like some feedback on this essay, as it is worth 83% of my grade for AP Composition and Literature. I have not had time to edit it grammatically as I have had no time but I would like feedback on my ideas. :3

Prompt:
Some novels feature a character or characters that are directly involved in the fray on which the novel focuses. Others feature characters that are external to the fray. Choose a novel in which a character is externally observing the novel's conflicts and analyze how the author explores this observation and what it suggests about the meaning of the novel as a whole.

Many individuals place an importance on financial status. How much money one has brings much speculation, awe, and wonder from others. Jay Gatsby is no exception and draws people to his East Egg mansion. In the novel, The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald explores through characterization, diction, setting, metaphor, and symbolism, how wealth is a destructive and shallow force that loses its romantic notion when seen through the eyes of Nick Carroway.

Jay Gatsby is a mysterious and wealthy figure that enters in Nick life, yet it is unknown that his wealth is a façade to lure people in. His main motivation for acquiring the vast amounts of money is as shallow as the woman who had won his love. Jay Gatsby was not born into the world, but made by a seventeen-year-old’s romanticized image; someone educated, rich, and exciting. At first it was a way to escape his penniless life, but when he met Daisy it became something more. Gatsby had “deliberately given [Daisy] a sense of security,” by lying to her how much he had to his name (page 149). Ultimately she did not feel secure enough to wait for Gatsby to return from war and married Tom because “she wanted her life shaped now” and did not care if it was a marriage caused by money or love (Page 151). This characterizes Gatsby, and Daisy, as individuals with shallow motivations. Gatsby intensified his persona to fit his short courting of Daisy thus gaining more money, and Daisy was not married for love but status and the assurance of security that Gatsby could not offer. Nick is the first to hear of Gatsby’s truth -- ranging from Dan Cody to his love of Daisy. It is apparent that others do not know of his past as they spread rumors and assume the worst things that come to one’s mind. However, Nick does not spurn Gatsby even though he embodies everything Nick has an “unaffected scorn” for (Page 2). However, as Nick first meets Gatsby he does not find him as interesting as his wealth would imply. Gatsby has little to say and he becomes “simply the proprietor of an elaborate roadhouse” (Page 64). This is ironic as one would expect Jay Gatsby, wealthy war veteran who supposedly graduated from Harvard, to be more interesting. Instead, he is a man with “little to say” (page 64),yet there was “something gorgeous about him” (Page 2). It is not only Jay Gatsby that hides behind the wealth, but also Daisy and Tom are hiding. As mentioned before, Daisy married to get her place in society set in stone. The word drift constant shows up, and the diction implies that they do not actively find where they want to go but rather move along “unrestfully wherever people played polo and were rich together,” as described by Nick (Page 2). They want to go places to show their wealth off and to feel like they belong. The repetition of the word drift implies a lack of permanence in the lives. Now they have the wealth, they do not know what to do and just go place to place. The shallowness invades most aspects of life as Nick continually watches the path of the wealthy unfold.

Jay Gatsby’s love for Daisy fueled many aspects of his life, which seems as equally shallow as his motivations, but his love seems to be the most developed part of his personality. His love runs so deep that he sacrifices himself for Daisy by saying he was driving the car that struck Myrtle. This shows the noble and righteous side of Jay Gatsby’s character. Gatsby had a “romantic readiness such [one has] never found in any other person and which it is not likely [one] shall find,” and Nick noticed this aspect of Gatsby’s character (Page 2). He laid his life down for Daisy. Although he did not know it would cost him his life. His readiness to take the blame leads one to question if Gatsby is as shallow as Daisy or Tom, even though his motivations to gaining wealth was superficial as stated before. Nick then comes to the conclusion that Gatsby is “worth the whole damn bunch,” and is above the superficiality of East Egg society such as Tom and Daisy (Page 154). However, the love Gatsby holds is a one sided dream that he is unworthy of. Daisy did not wait for him because he did not have enough money to be worth the wait. In his last few moments, Nick imagines his last moments as depression which emulates the weather. The weather parallels and copies the emotions that are depicted as Nick watches Gatsby and Daisy’s lives entangle. The day Myrtle is killed “was broiling, almost the last, certainly the warmest, day of summer” which goes along with the boiling temperament of Tom and Gatsby as they argue over Daisy’s love (Page 114). However, as Gatsby realizes Daisy is out of reach the next day, “a cool, lovely day” dawns on the scene (Page 152). The cool day of autumn is the last day Gatsby can attempt to reach to the green light, a symbol of the unattainable love. The green light was the past he wanted to keep and when he told Daisy; Nick mentions that “it was again a green light on a dock. His count of enchanted objects diminished by one” (Page 93). It was brought to earth, and became just a light on a simple dock. The shallowness of Gatsby’s love can be argued as coming from Daisy. Gatsby recounts his story to Nick and one learns that him and Daisy only had a “month of love”, which is not enough time to feel a deep connection to one individual (Page 150). Gatsby was not in love with Daisy but with vitality and “[the] wealth [that] imprisons and preserves” (Page 150). This characterizes the other side of Gatsby that mirrors the nobleness of sacrifice; his dreaming side which romanticizes the wealth and falls in love with the embodiment of wealth. Nick may hold his reverence for Gatsby for this reason, and that is why he did not instantly write him off as another rich man to scorn. A well-meaning love leads to the superficial life, but all of that means nothing in the long run.

The value placed on the grandeur is over hyped; much like the emphasis is placed on the billboard of Dr. Eckleburg, and is essentially meaningless. The decaying board is symbolic of the façade and shallowness of the East Egg parties. Nick sees the billboard as it really is; a billboard “dimmed a little by paintless days under the sun” that “[broods] on over the solemn dumping ground” (Page 24). However, to others the billboard is more. George Wilson mistakes it as the eyes of God watching and exclaims Myrtle “can’t fool God,” yet Michaelis has to bring him back to reality and remind him it is an advertisement only (Page 159). Dr. Eckleburg is symbolic of how the grand parties of wealthy society seem great and powerful, but behind the glamor is loneliness and destruction. Nick describes the Valley of Ashes as a place with “grotesque gardens” and “gray cars” with “ash-gray men” (Page 23). The diction of ash and gray words are usually associated with neutrality and bleakness. The group in the Valley of Ashes is not rich and can not hide behind parties. No one cares for the Valley of Ashes because they are too focused on their own lives of luxury. As mentioned before, Nick has painted Gatsby’s last moments as one full of depression and a shell of the man he was when he vied for Daisy’s love. Nick thinks Gatsby “didn’t believe [his death] would come, and perhaps he no longer cared” (Page 161). His last moments are also described where perhaps he thought of “what a grotesque thing a rose is,” which is a fitting metaphor for Daisy and the fast pace lifestyle of East Egg, Roses are beautiful, but many individuals think the thorns are ugly, revolting, and painful. Daisy was beautiful to Gatsby, and made his life beautiful, but with out her and his dream he finds no need for parties and reality begins to set in and destroy his will to live. Gatsby’s life was as grand as Eckleburg seem, but he and others lose themselves in the rush of wealth and luxury.

Wealth is the flesh of identity in the affluent neighborhood of East Egg. Daisy, Tom, and Gatsby’s identity is either non-existent, unreachable, or falsely created. Without Gatsby’s romanticism, Nick conveys a flighty and vapid woman with no real depth to the personality. Her views on her daughter prove it and sums up her personality: “I hope she’ll be a fool – that’s the best thing a girl can be, a beautiful little fool” (Page 17). That statement characterizes Daisy with little substance to her personality. The best , she believes a woman can be is an ornament or a “beautiful little fool”; to be wealthy with a shallow lifestyle. Her husband, Tom, is the same type of person. Nick observes that they “[drift] here and there” and acts as if he’s seeking a “dramatic turbulence of some irrecoverable football game” (Page 6). Tom’s character seeks the glory days. Together, Daisy and Tim are “careless people” who “smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money” (Page 179). They embody what Nick scorns and the tone regarding their carelessness is harsh. As for Gatsby, his identity is created by others. Before Nick meets his rich neighbor, he hears rumors. People who were not invited were there to catch a glimpse. They looked for him, proving the “romantic speculation he inspired” (Page 44). The rumors range from him killing a man to being a German spy who grew up in Germany although he lacks the German accent. The rumors exemplify the social setting and how one will make up the unknown when they can not acquire the answers. Few people know of Gatsby’s inner emotional turmoil, and fewer cared. The gossip itself does not characterize Gatsby, but the wealthy people who attend the parties; shallow individuals willing to think the worst of someone that appears to be well off.

In conclusion, wealth brings out the superficiality in most and the destruction in lives. Luxury is meaningless, yet causes a chain of reaction that leads to the death of a young man. People lose their identities and only become what wealth creates of them, and others create identities based on the past but can not hold up in reality. The importance of wealth is an enigma created by human minds dictated by the “sensitivities of the promises of life” (page 2).

Any feedback would be lovely, i don't even know if it's in the right board but thanks :3

[mercy]

SPOILER: Click to show

Many individuals place an importance on financial status. How much money one someone has brings much speculation, awe, and wonder from others.
Vague statements are not useful for first paragraphs and introduction of thesis. Get right to the point, don't try and lull us in. This isn't an argument, it's an observation, and everyone knows it so there's not a real use in saying it.

Jay Gatsby is no exception and draws people to his East Egg mansion.
While this is a good observation, it's now out of place since I've removed the first two and is just general so it would need replacing and need rewording. But also, you need to express why you're bringing this up. What's the point of saying this?

In the novel, The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald explores through characterization, diction, setting, metaphor, and symbolism, how wealth is a destructive and shallow force that loses its romantic notion when seen through the eyes of Nick Carroway.
I'm just going to plain reword this to explain the problem. You've made too long of a sentence. THIS is your thesis and you need to get straight to it, but it needs to not be a chunk at the same time. It needs to flow. So that's what I'll try to exemplify.
In The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald explores how wealth is a destructive and shallow force through his use of characterization, diction, setting, and symbolism. In particular, Fitzgerald uses Carroway's reaction to the effects and behavior of wealth to prove that __________.

However, even with all of this, you haven't argued in your thesis paragraph what this observation of wealth as destructive and shallow means about the novel as a whole.

Jay Gatsby is a mysterious and wealthy figure that enters in Nick life, yet it is unknown that his wealth is a façade to lure people in.
Either separate out these thoughts or make them one cohesive thought. There really isn't a use for yet because you've already called him mysterious so there are things Carroway shouldn't know about him. You could just say that a part of his mystery is that his wealth is only there as a facade to lure people closer to him.


His main motivation for acquiring the vast amounts of money is as shallow as the woman who had won his love.
Once again, confusing how you worded it. I know what you mean - his motivation is as shallow as the woman he's in love with. The wording is just very difficult and does not flow smoothly and it takes a few moments of rereading it to understand what you're trying to say.

Gatsby intensified his persona to fit his short courting of Daisy thus gaining more money, and Daisy was not married for love but status and the assurance of security that Gatsby could not offer.
This sentence is way too convoluted. You need to separate it out and stop trying to say three things at once.

It is apparent that others do not know of his past as they spread rumors and assume the worst things that come to one’s their mind.

However, Nick does not spurn Gatsby even though he embodies everything Nick has an “unaffected scorn” for (Page 2). However, as Nick first meets Gatsby he does not find him as interesting as his wealth would imply.
You used However to start two sentences, saying one this idea conflicts but then this idea conflicts with this idea. Which is just confusing and improperly used. You can just go straight to saying "When Nick first meets Gatsby..." and leave out the However.

Instead, he is a man with “little to say” (page 64),yet there was “something gorgeous about him” (Page 2).
You shouldn't quote this much. While something gorgeous about him is an interesting way to phrase it and it's good to quote that, little to say is not an interesting phrase nor is it impossible for you to reword it and not have to quote it. In fact, even if you're quoting verbatim little to say it's such a common phrase it's not as if you're stealing a phrase.

The word drift constant shows up, and the diction implies that they do not actively find where they want to go but rather move along “unrestfully wherever people played polo and were rich together,” as described by Nick (Page 2). They want to go places to show their wealth off and to feel like they belong. The repetition of the word drift implies a lack of permanence in the lives. Now they have the wealth, they do not know what to do and just go place to place. The shallowness invades most aspects of life as Nick continually watches the path of the wealthy unfold.
I really adore this observation.

Jay Gatsby’s love for Daisy fueled many aspects of his life, which seems as equally shallow as his motivations, but his love seems to be the most developed part of his personality.
Reword this as you've tried to say too much at once again. Make it all come together, don't interrupt a thought with another thought but make them flow.

Gatsby had a “romantic readiness such [one has] never found in any other person and which it is not likely [one] shall find,” and Nick noticed this aspect of Gatsby’s character (Page 2).
last part is unneeded

He laid his life down for Daisy. Although he did not know it would cost him his life.
The last part is almost contradicting the first part - that he laid down his life for her but didn't expect to have to fulfill that. Which makes him sound like he never really meant it he was just making a show. You could just note that indeed his affection for Daisy did cost him his life.

His readiness to take the blame leads one to question if Gatsby is as shallow as Daisy or Tom, even though his motivations to gaining wealth was superficial as stated before.
We know you stated it before. And if we don't, you need to make it clearer when you said. Reminding us now doubts your own ability to get things across and interrupts the argument.

Nick then comes to the conclusion that Gatsby is “worth the whole damn bunch,” and is above the superficiality of East Egg society such as Tom and Daisy (Page 154).
Why does he come to this conclusion?

In his last few moments, Nick imagines his last moments as depression which emulates the weather. The weather parallels and copies the emotions that are depicted as Nick watches Gatsby and Daisy’s lives entangle.
Since you speak about the emulating and paralleling outright in the second sentence, you don't need to mention it in the first. Just let the two thoughts be separated by a period as that is a good flow.

Wealth is the flesh of identity in the affluent neighborhood of East Egg.
very neat word choice

In conclusion, wealth brings out the superficiality in most (in most what? people?) and the destruction in (their?) lives. Luxury is meaningless, yet causes a chain of reaction that leads to the death of a young man. People lose their identities and only become what wealth creates of them, and others create identities based on the past but can not hold up in reality. The importance of wealth is an enigma created by human minds dictated by the “sensitivities of the promises of life” (page 2).
Okay while you are proving a point with this, you don't tie it back to the story. You need to say why the story proves this and what this means not only as a takeaway message (which is most of what you've said here), but what it means to the story.

I went through a lot of it piece by piece but I'll just list out general observations and advice

• I'm assuming this essay is MLA or some specific citation style. In all styles, you never ever ever ever put (page #) you just put (#) where the number is the page number. Get rid of all of your pages. Unless, of course, your instructor said to. In addition, the first time you do a quotation you tend to do like (Fitzgerald 4) meaning you put the author's last name in the citation. Find out what style you're supposed to do and do it that way.
  
• Your argument is not clearly defined nor does it entirely answer your prompt. The part you miss in particular is what does this observation that Nick makes about how wealth destroys mean to the novel - how does it shape its overall message. In addition, your thesis does not cut straight to the point which you need to do. Do not give vague sentences about how the world works - get right to the story and the thesis.
  
• There's a large pattern of trying to say too much at once. Separate your thoughts, make them flow. If you have to, make a lot of short sentences and then go back and figure out how to combine some - but don't cram! You do this a lot and it interrupts thought and understanding.
  
• Also, it doesn't entirely seem like your entire paragraphs have to do with what you said in the first sentence. Meaning it doesn't really feel organized. It just jumps around.
  
• Don't say "as has been stated earlier" or anything like that. If it was stated earlier, we know it. This detracts from your argument and distracts your readers like okay yeah you said it earlier...so? It doesn't matter that you said it earlier. Say what you want to say now and leave what you want to say earlier in the earlier area.
  
• Quote less. You quote a lot of times with things that aren't important to quote...you can say them on their own in your own words and they don't lose any significanec.
  

Agh sorry if I seem rough? An English teacher of mine felt really rough and made me feel like I should never write again. But it's not that. You should write, you're a good writer. I just get a sense that you're really stressed out about this paper and you're not entirely convinced of an argument yourself.[/blockquote]