No Current Title - Critique and Analysis

[Jase]

Hey guys. I recently had this burst of inspiration for a short story. I am hoping to get some feedback on it from my fellow writers. It draws stylistically from writers such as Hemmingway. Every detail and piece of dialogue is there for a specific reason, and all hopefully contributing to the messages, themes, and motifs in the story. I am looking to see how effective my writing is.
So here is what I am looking for from my lovely Wanderers. It can be an either-or type of thing, or a both. :]
I would like critiques. What is the story about. Tell me your opinion on the story, plot, specifics you liked/disliked, what worked for you, what did not, technical details, anything you might want to include in a critique for your high school and college English class. I want you to pretend like you are in class doing this.
I am also looking for people to do an analysis of the story. Think: underlying themes, motifs, symbols and symbolism. Character analysis. Things that, if you were in an English or Lit class, you would go on SparkNotes to help you out.

All in all, I would absolutely love some in-depth responses to my work. I figured this was the place to do it. So without further ado, here is the story - currently untitled.

- triggers for alcohol -


The lighting in the bar was dingy. The wallpaper was peeling in certain spots, revealing another layer of differently patterned wallpaper beneath it. A young boy sat at the bar with his water and a light jacket zipped up to his neckline. It was raining outside, and people walking down the streets of Laveview East were beginning to take refuge inside buildings they might not otherwise have entered. A man in a suit opened the door to the bar and walked in. He seemed iridescent when compared to the yellowing floor tiles he had just walked on to. He walked over to the bar and took a seat.
“Can I get you a beer?” the man in the suit asked.
“No thanks,” said the boy.
“Isn’t it a little late for you to be out on a Tuesday?”
The boy turned around in his stool and faced the other direction. “I don’t go to school.”
“Of course you don’t.”
The bartender peered over at them from across the bar and the man lifted his head in a nod. The bartender came over, empty glass in hand.
“What’ll you have?” The bartender eyed the boy.
“Two beers,” said the man. The boy shook his head.
“No thanks.”
“What’s wrong with a beer?”
“I’m not thirsty.”
“You’re at a bar.”
The bartender brought back two beers, the glass bottles dripping beads of water, just like the furrowed brow of the boy.
“You’ll want it soon enough.” The man took a swig from his bottle. The boy turned back around.
“What makes you so sure?”
“Experience.”
The boy’s eyes fell to gold-chained Rolex on the man’s wrist.
“What do you do?” asked the man.
“Huh?”
“Your job. What is your job?”
“Well I’m… I’m currently in the process of… I mean -“
“Never mind. Do you live with your parents?”
Of course not.”
“Where, then?” The man took another drink.
“Wouldn’t you like to know.”
“It was just a question.”
The boy looked up at the man for the first time.
“I live with friends.”
“Friends?”
“Well, acquaintances.”
“Charming,” the man said. He held up his empty beer glass. “I’ll take another.”
“You’ve still got one,” the bartender said as he came by. But the man shook his head
“That one is for my attractive companion tonight.”
The bartender’s eyes lingered on the boy momentarily before turning and bringing back another beer. The boy’s face was turning a light shade of pink. The man flashed his white teeth with a smile.
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that it was the alcohol making you flush. But apparently you don’t drink.”
“I drink.” The boy crossed his arms.
“Lately?”
“No, not lately.” The boy looked over at the beer reserved for him, and quickly looked away.
“Then why are you still talking to me?”
The boy didn’t answer for a moment. He got off of the barstool and walked to the jukebox. He started flipping through the songbook. He didn’t like the song that was playing but he wasn’t sure what he should change it too. Pausing his search, he looked back at the man in the suit; the man was tapping his Rolex, and casually looked over at the boy. Their eyes met briefly and the man smiled. The boy quickly turned away and continued his search. After three or four minutes, the boy gave up and returned to the stool.
“Welcome back.”
“That’s a nice watch,” the boy remarked.
“It keeps good time.”
“Do you?”
The man looked surprised. “Do I what?”
“Keep good time.”
“I supposed I do.”
“What are you in town for?
“Business.”
“Aren’t you always?” The boy sighed.
The man smiled again. “I really think you should just try the beer.”
“I don’t know.”
“It really isn’t as bad as you think. It could help you out.”
The boy sat silently for a moment.
“Do you really think I am attractive?”
“Of course. I would be blind not to. You’re the attraction of the night, haven’t you noticed?”
The boy’s face flushed again. “What do you mean?”
“Don’t pretend like you haven’t taken notice. All the eyes have been on you tonight. Just ask the bartender.”
“Oh… Well thanks. You aren’t bad yourself.”
“Does it matter?”
“It helps.”
“You’ve done it before haven’t you?” The man asked.
“Yeah.”
“So why are you so nervous? You know how well it pays off.”
“I don’t know.” The boy looked at his feet.
“It’ll be quick and painless.”
“Maybe.”
The boy took a long look at the beer. It was still unopened, and the condensation had evaporated. He thought he could hear the ticking of the Rolex over the wailing tune on the jukebox. He gripped the bottle and brought it to his lips.
“What did I tell you?” the man said with a smirk.
The boy took a gulp.
“Let’s just do this.”

[Aly]

This is interesting. It has a very simple kind of layout, but I can tell there's underlying messages under it even without reading your preface.

The pace does seem kind of fast, so I'm wondering if you might consider putting little quirks/actions between the dialogue. Like does the boy feel a flop in his stomach? Did he bite his lip a little? Has he heard he's attractive before?

I got lulled into a very comfortable rhythm though. I wasn't expecting it to stop (and I even let out a huff when it did because I wanted more XD).

I like how the boy's willingness to drink a beer is very tightly knitted with how much he's willing to interact with the man. It was subtle, but noticeable. Sort of like when you meet a dog and it's wary to take food from you, but once it does it jumps right into loving you. I suppose this is very similar to that.

I did notice how the man always stood out to the boy. The way he looked against the color of the tile, the way his watch was louder than the jukebox, ect. He's a bold person, and it resonates throughtout the entire short story. I also get the sense that the boy, though not shy, tries to be invisible. Except to the man. He asked for water from the bartender, stayed quiet, didn't interact with him/her, but the minute that the man approached he was easily engaged in conversation. And without very much persuasion was drinking a beer with him.

I suppose, in a way, this is a basic dominant/submissive relationship. The man, dominant, stands out completely and gets what he wants in the end. The boy, submissive, does what he's told and sticks to the shadows, so to speak.

Those are the thoughts I have on it now. I might come back tomorrow and read it again after sleeping on it and see if I have anything to add.

If you're looking to change it up though, perhaps experiment with adding little things, switching up sentence structure. Just little things. I like everything else and don't think you should take anything away.

[Jase]

Thanks for your response Aly.

I'll take a look into what I can do about pacing. I did leave out a lot to be be left to interpretation, but you;re right; it might not hurt to add a few things here and there - like about the boy biting his lip, etc. However, a comfortable rhythm isn't a bad thing, right? Like you said, it leaves someone almost wanting more.

I'm glad you picked up on some things I was trying to accomplish, or make apparent,
Now, I am wondering if I let you in on a few details, if you might be able to see other things I included. What I used as symbols, etc.

The story takes place in Lakeview, the neighborhood in Chicago that houses Boystown - the gay district. In the story, the older man is trying to pick up the younger boy for a paid sexual encounter.

Is that apparent, now that I told you? Are other aspects of the story coming to light?

Any one else is free to add input.

[Jase]

At this point, I don't know that I could do much character analysis. Aside from what Aly said--dominant vs. submissive--I feel like I don't have any additional grasp on either individual, or even how they've come together. I just know they're in a bar together, both aware of each other, one eager, one resigned. A watcher and the watched.

To you, is that enough? Do you, as a reader, need more than that from these characters? They are intended to be static, apart from the boy near the end.

Also, at what age did you image the two? Perhaps this is something to be made more clear.

On that note, where's the bartender? I'm interested in his/her role as well. This sort of conversation seems to be a normal occurrence, since he/she doesn't really react to anything that's said. I'm also wondering: is the rest of the bar empty? It feels very isolated to me, like there's only these three people inside, a separate world from what's outside. You say other people have been admiring the boy, but I don't get a sense of that. There's no background noise. It's very focused on this conversation.

The bartender's role in the story is meant to be minimal, and he/she is only there to provide evidence that the boy is alluring. He/she is there to provide the man his opportunity to pressure the boy, by providing the beer, and is there to have lingering glances at the boy. I am not sure if expanding this character would be beneficial.

I do, however, think that it would add something to the story to even include some background noise and chatter. I always neglect the sense of smell and sound, and need a kick in the pants to add that. I think that could add some realism, and give readers some context as to the location.

You've used a lot of water imagery--rain, sweat (?), condensation--but I'm not entirely sure as to its purpose. The man also glows, both with power and with his shiny watch and against the floor tiles. He seems sort of like an idol, something gold and glimmering. But of course, he's hitting on this boy who's however old and, as you say, expects a sexual encounter because it's been paid for, so maybe he's not such a shiny idol after all.

Water (as well as fire, and time) is one of my favorite elements to work with in my writing. I think I did this subconsciously. To me, water is something that is entirely beneficial, while at the same time, deadly.

The rain is used to set the stage. It is a plot device; rain foreshadows a not-so-happy turn of events, and it provides reasoning for this man to enter this specific bar. He needs to get out of the rain, ASAP.

I definitely included those "idol" like influences on purpose for that very reason.

There's also an element of time--the ticking of the watch, the music, even the raindrops add a certain rhythm to it. If that's a theme you really wanted to make evident, you should try reading your story aloud with a metronome or the sound of rain in the background and adjusting your language/sentence structure accordingly.

That is an interesting suggestions. I might try this. Have you done it before?

I don't think you need any more description alongside your dialogue, but I do think some of the description in your story can be improved. For example:

The wallpaper was peeling in certain spots, revealing another layer of differently patterned wallpaper beneath it.

When I read this line, it seems to be stating the obvious, like if I said, "Oh, here's one person, and the person standing behind them looks completely different!" Well, yes--but what makes them different? You say the patterns are different, but then you don't give us a standard for comparison. The thing about Hemingway, like you say, is that he's deliberate. He's not one to waste words. Don't confuse that with simplifying your description--instead, simplify the language. Make it precise. Instead of saying "differently patterned," say "striped" (or whatever it happens to be).

You make a good point. Stop mincing words. In my mind, I include the description I want to come across. Sometimes, I am a little too presumptuous that my reader will know what I am talking about.

Or, for another example, what about the song does the boy not like? The words? The tone? How does it affect how he's feeling about this encounter, about this dingy place? It's a lot of questions, but I think the answers could be summed up with a few quick details that wouldn't mar this particular style.

I will look into this as well.

He seemed iridescent when compared to the yellowing floor tiles he had just walked on to.

This phrasing is awkward, out of rhythm. "Iridescent" is a strange word, more indicative of lightbulbs than humans. Also watch the word "seemed." Sometimes, a direct metaphor is more useful--he is something, rather than he seemed like something.

Noted.

Don't neglect smell and taste in your description, too, if they can be fit in somehow. The first thing I think of when I imagine a bar is smoke, a sort of haze, a kind of obscurity. You've put these two characters together in a bar--why a bar? Why not outside (never mind the rain)? You don't necessarily have to answer these questions within the story, but it's worth considering.

There is a smoking ban in all public Chicago establishments and it wouldn't quite make sense for there to be smoke, although it probably would be a nice touch. And I am not sure there would be a cohesive way to share that with the reader if he/she doesn't already know that; it isn't relevant. I will consider other smells and taste possibilities though.

Is this the whole story? As it is, it feels incomplete, like we've only gotten the first half. Maybe it's because of pacing, like Aly said--it goes by so quickly, it feels like there's no resolution. Even Hemingway, in his compactness, still manages to make his readers feel as though something has happened. At this point, I think you're halfway--either the story needs to be expanded outside of what you have here, or the rise and fall of the dialogue in relation to character development/plot needs to be made clearer.


It is the full story, but both you and Aly have pointed out some flow discrepancies. Do either of you have suggestions? I don't want to completely mar the piece with unnecessary decription just to switch up pacing.

I was thinking, though, that maybe I should have the piece end with the man speaking, rather than the boy, keeping up with his dominance up to the close. Does that make sense?

Thank you Mikkay, and Aly! I do have a question or two more.

The beer is a symbol for the sexual proposition. Is that apparent now that you know? Each time the boy refuses to drink, he is in turn, refusing the man's proposition. When he, at last, accepts the beer, I intended it to be a mirror for him relenting to partake in the man's offer.

The watch is meant to symbolize both time and wealth. The watch is ticking, and almost with a sense of urgency. The deal won't last forever, the boy is wasting his own time, etc. And I specifically tried to hi light its high-quality and show its allure to the boy. Whenever the boy is unsure of something, he takes a nice look at the watch, and is reminded of the wealth involved in the proposition.

I am open to suggestions for improvement here.

One last thing. How apparent is it that the boy is in a bind? I dropped hints - he is in between jobs, he is alone, he doesn't live with family or friends, etc.

Thank you guys, again. I appreciate this!